Macaroni

Why do bachelors today seem to think that minimalist Scandinavian furniture is the height of home design? The sterile lines leave nothing to the imagination, providing no sense of true beauty or style. Crap, crap, crap! Men, take note here: buy at least one piece of furniture with some character to it. The Chesterfield sofa serves this purpose while also creating a comfortable place for you to sit your ass while drinking Dos Equis and playing PS3 with your old college friends. Don’t just buy furniture to fill square footage, buy furniture to make your home the living space you need. Some dipshits may accuse you of being stuffy from your sofa alone, however, you know that what it really shows is a badass nonchalance.

Cary Grant, John F. Kennedy, Humphrey Bogart; these are the individuals that men today should be designing their style after. Despite the current push in American fashion to move men towards a more “traditional” and “classic” image, the streets still seem to be filled with guys who try way too hard to look like total tools. How hard is it to buy a suit that actually fits your shoulders? I’m six foot four, and yet I can even get suits that fit (albeit with slight alterations), so any guys who walk the streets still looking like a circa 1998 Dallas Cowboys linebacker have no excuses, whatsoever. Men of the United States need to take a look at their collective cultural heritage and examine why Cary Grant has been a style icon for over half a century. His shoulders fit well, he’s not afraid to show a little cuff, his clothes are always simple and classic rather than trendy and flamboyant; these are the rules that all men should adhere to. I don’t care how many times people may read something of this nature by one fashion writer or another, until men start to listen it is not enough.

We Are the Superlative Conspiracy? No, we are too smart to buy into you phony lifestyle. Since when did “corporate” and “underdog” go hand in hand? They don’t. The fact is that WeSC sells a lifestyle that is a sham; they promote artists that turn their backs on the corporate nature of their entire business model. If you want to be a total poseur, wearing alternative clothes that are corporately owned, then by all means go for WeSC, but if you would rather not buy into something so artificial then move on to a brand that legitimately designs clothes for those that they claim too—check out Someone Clothing instead.

I’m pissed off at all of the Mark Nason boot wearing douchebags I have seen around town. If you’re wearing these boots and I don’t know who you are, then you shouldn’t be wearing them. Own up to the fact that the closest you will ever get to playing the Hollywood Bowl is Guitar Hero, get rid of the boots, and find a better way to introduce some “edge” into your wardrobe. The design team behind these abominations needs to rethink their brand image, selling a lifestyle is one thing, selling a lifestyle that will ever only exist for .01% of the population is just a bad business strategy. These shoes will not make you look cool and edgy; they will make you look like you’re desperately trying to look cool and edgy. Instead try a nice pair of Frye or Belstaff boots, they will give you the style you want without making you look like a tool.

Would someone please bitch slap Perez Hilton? What drunken moron thought that it would be a good idea to let that man design his own line of clothing? Well the good news is that it will be sold at Hot Topic, which means that no one with half a brain will ever wear it. Perez Hilton, aka Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr, needs to find whatever rock he crawled out from underneath and simply return. Why is Mr. Lavandeira famous? For being a royal bitch? For outing presumably closeted celebrities? For being an utterly shallow and solipsistic asshole? This piece of shit needs to simply go away. Do you hear me Mario? Go away! Don’t make a big scene, don’t scream foul, just accept that you are not special and retreat into your shallow existence. The world would be a far better place if you had never begun writing, I can only imagine the terrible effects of this clothing line.

I don’t care about Dov Charney, the creator of American Apparel, being an overly sexual 70’s porn star, my problem with American Apparel is how much their clothes suck. Fire a photographer and hire a design team, then maybe you will pull yourselves out of your niche market and actually produce some fashionable products. If you’re in the market for a thin, fitted, burgundy tee-shirt, then by all means, check out American Apparel, but how many plain tee-shirts can any one person own? Their products are just boring, plain and simple. They have no design department, just a really good marketing strategy, and for this I say forego American Apparel. They have created the macaroni of minimalism, destroying the tee-shirt and turning it into a brightly colored fashion atrocity. The company takes no risks, American Apparel, with Dov at the helm simply takes the simplicity of loungewear and turns it into something infinitely more complex. The best corkscrew is the waiter’s key because of its minimalism, you don’t, however, need 27 different waiter’s keys in different colors, each with separate back stories of the humane process the company uses in making them, you simply need one. American Apparel does effectively objectify women and sexualize the tee-shirt, however, they do not effectively design their products.